THE CLOUDS

I find myself jetting across the United States to Boston.  As such, I am above the clouds.  Usually, I am on the ground, in my yard, my garden, looking up.  Today I am IN the clouds.  Where I always imagine my son to be…” up there”.  But now, here I am. And he is not here. Yet. I hear his voice.  I hear “hey mom, it’s me”.

I wonder.  I am here now, jetting to Boston to receive my Masters.  I wonder. Would I be here now if I had not faced the adversity, the hardship, the challenge, of losing a child.  Hard to say.  I DO know that in the darkest, most difficult days, I would remember that Brian led a life that challenged all of us to do our best.  When discouraged and not wanting to go on, I am reminded that Brian wanted me to live “Brave.” To live a life that challenged conventional norms.

Here I am.  Jetting across the country.  Completing a degree started after he left.  Would I have pursued it if my life had taken a different path?  Hard to say.  I have spent the last (almost) five years being busy.  Being busy is how I avoid the pain of losing a child.  Not saying this is the best way to deal with grief.  But it is my way.

The clouds… protect, bring promise, bring rain that cleanses.  The clouds…remind me that there is another world, heaven.  A place where Brian is in the presence of the one true God, a place where I can only imagine he is rooting for me.  Saying “hey mom, it’s me.  I’m proud of you.” 

I remember telling him one day to find the passion God has planted in his heart and pursue it.  When he was gone, I had to ask myself if I was living life that same way. 

How about you?  Is there a life you are not living?  Is there a passion in your heart you are denying?  I challenge you today to live that life! Live brave! Live a life that has you soaring over the clouds!

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